By the Skin of Her Teeth
by AliBee
Summary: A post ep for "Skin."
1. Default Chapter

Title: "By the Skin of Her Teeth

Author: AliBee

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don't own ER, Abby, or anyone else.

Author's Note: I just coudn't resist the urge to write a post ep of "Skin."

Abby stood just outside the ambulance bay, willing her feet to move, but they felt nailed to the spot in the pavement where they had landed. She had to move, to get into the safety of the ER. Who was to say they wouldn't come back, shooting her where she stood. The bright lights of her department beckoned her, and she headed toward them, first slowly, mechanically, then at a full out sprint. The doors seemed so far away and she felt like she had been running forever when finally the brightness of the waiting room assaulted her eyes. Paramedics were bringing in a patient, so she scooted in behind them, slipping through the glass doors and almost immediately running full tilt into Pratt.

"Abby," Pratt said, "What the hell?"

Abby felt her body tense, she knew this was just Pratt, but his voice, something about his voice set her more on edge. She pushed away from him, her eyes darting around the ER.

Luka looked up from his charting as he heard Pratt call out Abby's name, seeing not the strong, stubborn Abby he was used to seeing, but an Abby who looked more like a scared child. He rushed toward her, enveloping her into his arms. "Je dobio te, dijete. Svoj idući u biti prekid," he whispered to her, as he felt her begin to shake in his embrace. He held her tight a moment more, until he felt a familiar warmth seeping through his shirt. He gently moved back, so he could see her face. Running a finger against the edge of her scrubs he asked, "Is this your blood, Abby?"

Abby shook her head, unable to get any words past the huge lump in her throat. She balled her hands into fists, willing them to stop shaking. Then she felt Luka catch her as her knees gave way. Luka swept her up into his arm's and headed for the nearest exam room. "Frank," he yelled, as he strode past the station, "get Dr. Lewis, tell her I have Abby in Exam Two. And have someone get her some clean scrubs."

He set her on the gurney, and wrapped the blood pressure cuff around her arm. "What happened?" he asked softly, watching her pulse reading fluctuate wildly.

"I can't tell," Abby muttered, almost more to herself then to Luka. "I promised them I wouldn't tell anyone.

Susan pushed opened the door to Exam Two, clutching the scrubs that Haleh had thrust into her hands. Her jaw dropped as she saw a pale and shaking Abby huddled on the gurney. She stopped in her tracks, "What…." was all she was able to say. Luka gave Abby a quick pat on the arm, then walked over to Susan, pulling her the rest of the way into the room, so the door could swing closed behind her.

"I'm not sure what happened. She came in just a few minutes ago and she would not say anything except that its not her blood on her. I haven't checked though," Luka said, his eyes focusing back on Abby. " I though she would be more comfortable with you. Her vitals are a bit erratic." He headed back over to the gurney, slipping the B/P cuff and pulse ox cable off of Abby. "I'm going to step out while Susan helps you change," he said, his eyes locking on to Susan to try to stress with just his expression what he really wanted her to do. He saw Abby nod at him hesitantly. He hated to have to leave, but he knew he wouldn't rest easy until Susan checked for sure that she truly wasn't injured.

Susan ran the water until it was warm, soaking several washcloths. Helping get the scrub top off over her head, she then washed the blood off Abby, relieved to see no cuts or bruises marring Abby's skin. But as she undid the tie of the scrub pants, Susan could feel the tension radiating off of Abby, and her shaking increase. 'My God,' she though, 'what had happened to her.' Susan forced a reassuring smile on her face. "We need to get you out of these, to finish getting you cleaned up." Susan saw Abby's ever so slight nod, and felt her trying to help. As quick as she could, she washed someone else's blood off Abby's legs, then got her covered again. It was really starting to worry her as she realized Abby hadn't spoken a word since she had entered the room. She tenderly brushed hair out of Abby's eyes, then asked, "can you tell me what happened to you?"

Abby slowly looked up at her friend, her eye dull, and brimming with tears. "I can't," she whispered, "I can't tell anyone."


	2. What happened?

Authors Notes: I know there other post Skin fics out there now, but I'm avoiding reading them until mine is done, so I don't inveterately get influenced. Please forgive me for any errors, I've been writing this during my break at work, which is at 3AM.

"What?" Susan asked, as she slipped the monitors back on. "What is it that you feel like you can't tell?"

Abby just shook her head and broke eye contact with Susan. She tried to close her eyes, but as soon as she did, she could see the gun pointed at her. So she kept her eyes open, but didn't let them focus on Susan, or anything else in the room for that matter.

Susan felt helpless as she watched Abby withdraw more and more into herself. She had no clue how to get Abby to open up. Obviously something terrible had happened, but there was no way to know for sure exactly what without Abby's cooperation.

Luka entered the room quietly, noticing that Abby never looked up when he opened the door. And as he looked at Susan he could see the concern etched in her face. He waved her over so he could ask her what she found without upsetting Abby further. "Did you find anything?" he asked, his gaze again shifting back to Abby.

"I didn't find any injuries," Susan said with a heavy sigh, "But she got even more upset when I tried to take her scrub pants off. Do you think she was raped?"

Luka swallowed hard, fighting down a sudden rise of nausea at hearing that ugly word. He didn't even want to think of rape and Abby in the same sentence. "But that wouldn't explain the blood," he said, reaching for any other explanation.

"Unless she defended herself," Susan answered, her gaze joining Luka's in the direction of their friend curled up on the gurney. They walked across the room together, and Susan watched Luka gently pick up Abby's shaking hand and she was relieved to see that Abby didn't pull away.

"You are safe, Abby," Luka said, his accent stronger that usual. "We are here with you. Take your time, we just need to know what happened to you so that we can help." Luka noticed that her hand continue to tremble and her palm getting moist.

Abby felt her chest get tight, it was becoming harder and harder for her to breath. As hard as she tried she felt like she just couldn't get any air into her lungs. She wanted to tell them what happened, but she knew if she said anything, those boys would find out and they would hunt her down and kill her. She didn't know why they hadn't already. She was sure when she lost CJ it was just a matter of time before they turned those guns on her one last time and pulled the trigger. So no matter how much she trusted Luka and Susan, there was no way she was going to say a word.

A beep from the monitor pulled Susan's attention. Abby's pulse was accelerating and her blood pressure was sky high. As much as they wanted to know what had happened, Susan realized that there was no way Abby could physically handle any more questions right now. She cleared her throat, which caused Luka to look up and see the monitors.

"Okay, Abby. No more questions now," Luka said, squeezing her hand tighter, his eyes locking with Susan's.

"We need to sedate her, Luka, " Susan said softly, as they watched the numbers on the monitor continue to rise. "I'll start a line, can you get the Ativan?"

Luka nodded his agreement, then hurried to the drug lockup. He hated this unsure feeling, the not knowing. When Abby had been assaulted by her neighbor he knew what had happened and he had a way to deal with it. Of course he didn't plan on hitting anyone again after what happened last time, but if he found out that someone violated Abby, he might not be able to help himself. He pulled the ativan off the shelf then hurried back to the exam room. He hated that they had to give Abby drugs, knowing that with her history she really didn't like to take anything, but with her vitals so out of control they really didn't have a choice. Returning to Exam Two he quickly drew up then gave Abby the dose. "Has she said anything?" he asked Susan.

"No, and she didn't flinch when I stuck her for the line. She's in shock," Susan said. She picked up one of Abby's hands, watching Luka do the same with the other. Together they watched her closely until her eyes drifted closed and her vitals started to return to normal. After a while Susan broke the silence. "I need to go tell Weaver that something went on. Can you stay with her?"

"Of course I'll stay," Luka said, his watching eyes on Abby's now sleeping form. Susan slid a stool beside Luka before quietly letting herself out of the room. Luka sat with her, never letting go of her hand and occasionally whispering encouraging words in Croatian until he noticed her hand getting cold. He thought about calling a nurse to sit with her while he got a blanket from the warmer, but remembering what a private person she was, he figured she would be alright for just a minute. He set her hand down, gave her a soft kiss on the forehead then went in search of the warm blanket.

Maybe subconsciously sensing she was alone, Abby started to toss and turn, deep in the throws of a nightmare. She felt herself being tossed into the SUV, and the absolute terror she felt when she first saw the gun. The images of wounds to grave for her to fix and the ever watchful eyes of her captors assaulted her. She felt her heart start to race as she lay in the back of that SUV, dreading the moment it was going to stop and the bullet would slice through her brain. She sat bolt upright on the gurney.

"John!" She screamed, "JOHN, HELP ME."


	3. Home Again

Author's Note: Thank you for all the kind reviews. I'm sorry I forgot to translate the Croatian in the first chapter. Luka said, "I've got you, Babe. It's going to be fine."

Carter handed Wendell the cup of coffee he had poured, then they headed out of the Lounge. "So, how many times have you been snowboarding?" He asked with a smile.

"I've lost count," she said, as they walked along the halls, "In fact…." Wendell's sentence was cut off by a loud scream.

Carter's head swung around, his heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice as Abby's voice called out for him again. Obviously something was very wrong. He wondered why no one told him anything, then he realized it wasn't really his right to know anymore. Turning his back on Wendell, he sprinted away, her frown following him.

As he pulled the blanket from the warmer, Luka heard Abby screaming. He could kick himself for leaving her alone. But as he ran back to her room, he saw Carter rush in. As much as he wanted to help, Luka had heard her call for Carter, and as long as he was willing to be there for her, Luka knew he had to step back. Hopefully she would be more comfortable having Carter with her and she would finally tell someone what had gone on. He stopped and watched through the window.

Carter was shocked at Abby's appearance, she was pale, her breathing was labored and her eyes shone bright with pure terror. Despite the distance he had been forcing himself maintain from Abby over the last few months, Carter realized this was no time for hesitation. He wrapped his arms around her tight, guiding her head to rest on his chest as she began to cry.

"Oh John, I was so scared." Abby sobbed, wrapping her arms him taking a small comfort in the familiar feeling of being held by him. "I shouldn't have let them take me. How could I have been so stupid. I really thought I was going to die."

Of all the things she might have said, he hadn't expected her to say that. No wonder she looked so shattered. Carter pulled away, placing his hands on either side of her face, so that she was looking him in the eyes, "But you didn't die. You're here and you're not alone." Then he pulled her back into a secure hug.

Abby didn't know how to reply to that, but she was thankful that Carter wasn't pushing her to talk. She let herself relax in his embrace, the ativan making her sleepy again. Carter held her until he was sure she had fallen asleep, then he gently lay her on the pillow. As he straighten up, through the window he saw the anxious faces of Susan, Kerry and Luka, who was holding a blanket. "Is that for her?" he asked as he came out of the exam room.

"Yes, she was cold earlier. I had gone out to get it for her when apparently she had the nightmare," Luka said. "We probably shouldn't leave her alone."

Kerry held out her hand for the blanket, "let me go cover her, then I think we all need to talk." Seeing the frowns on both Carter and Luka faces she added, "Okay, we can talk in there." Kerry headed into the room, her three attending on her heels.

Over the next few hours, the four of them made sure that Abby was never alone while she faded in and out of sleep. She had told Carter enough that Kerry realized that the police needed to be called.

Abby had been sleeping a while, when she opened her eyes to see two men in uniform standing outside the exam room. She sat straight up, trying to jump off the gurney, and would have made it if Kerry and Carter hadn't stopped her. "No, no, no, no. I can't, Kerry," she said, franticly shaking her head. "I can't tell." Her eyes swung towards Carter. "Make her understand, John. I wasn't supposed to say anything."

After getting Abby settled back on the gurney, Kerry stroked her arm, trying to get her calmed back down. "Honey, I know your scared, but you have to talk to the authorities," she said, firmly, but with tenderness.

Carter could feel his fingers going numb as Abby held on to his hand with an iron grip. "Abby, she's right. I'm sure you promised not to say anything, but they can't hurt you now. We will all make sure you are safe. Sweetheart, it's important."

"I will ask the officers if one of us can stay with you," Kerry said.

Abby looked at John, then back at Kerry, and then reluctantly nodded her consent. Abby chose Susan to stay with her as she gave her statement to the officers, clinging to her hand as she began to recount everything that had happened from the moment she had gone outside to smoke until she arrived back at the ER. Susan was incredibly relieved that her suspicion that Abby had been raped was wrong, but what she had gone through was horrendous nonetheless. After her account, Abby fell into an exhausted sleep, again with someone with her at all times.

Two hours later she woke up, calm and with stable vitals. Attempting a brave smile, she looked at Luka and Kerry. "Can I go home now?" she asked. She just wanted to get out of there, and tuck herself into her own bed.

"I've got my car here, so I'll drive you home, and stay with you till Neela gets off shift. I'll go get your coat, and let Susan and Carter know that we are going," Kerry said. "I'll be right back."

Abby swung her legs over the edge of the gurney, felling just the tiniest bit dizzy. Luka noticed her sway, so he stepped closer and steadied her. "I'll call you in a few hours, just to check on you," he said, tucking a stay hair behind her ear.

"Are you sure Sam wouldn't be jealous?" Abby asked with a ghost of a smile.

Luka chuckled, "I'm sure she'll be okay with it, as long as we don't make it a habit."

"Thank you for being here," Abby said softly, glancing away.

"Anytime," Luka said, helping her to her feet as Carter and Kerry came back in.

"I'll walk you to the car," Carter said, and noticing she still looked a little unsteady, he slipped an arm around her waist. "Susan asked me to tell you she will give you a call tomorrow."

As they walked outside, Abby could feel herself getting tense again. Carter noticed it too, and gave her a little squeeze. Without incident, he tucked her into Kerry's car. "Thank you," she said, as he leaned down to brush his lips over her cheek.

"You know, you can call me any time," Kerry said, breaking the silence when they were about half way to Abby's apartment.

"I know, everyone has been wonderful," Abby said, fidgeting her hands. "But I'll be okay."

Kerry tried to hid her frown at Abby's comment, but she knew that it was just going to take time. She parked near Abby's apartment, and they walked upstairs, Kerry noticing Abby's watchfulness.

After letting them into her apartment, Abby gestured toward the kitchen, "Help yourself to anything you can find. If you don't mind, I'm just going to go to bed. I don't mean to be rude."

"Don't worry about me, you go ahead, I'm just going to stay until Neela gets home. But if you need anything, let me know."

"I will, thank you, Kerry." Abby said, as she firmly shut her bedroom door. Abby got undressed, kicking the scrubs under her bed, so she couldn't see them. She lay there awake, smoking, long after she heard Neela come in and Kerry leave. Abby wasn't sure what to do, she knew that her friends would be there for her, but she wanted to try to handle things by herself. After going through a pack of cigarettes and two separate cravings for a beer, Abby picked up her wallet, looking for an almost forgotten card. With shaky fingers she dialed the number.

"Hi, Dr. Lagaspi, this is Abby Lockhart. Do you have the name of someone who specializes in post trauma? I think I'm going to need some help."


	4. A Call

Abby let herself into the apartment and closed the door with a big sigh. She looked around and was glad to see that Neela was out somewhere and she had her place to herself. Even though she had only worked an eight hour shift, she was drained. She had left once, sure she couldn't handle being there, but somehow ended up going back and finishing the shift. About five minutes after she got home, the phone rang, and noting the San Francisco number on the caller ID, she picked it up.

"Hello," she said, taking the cordless phone and wandering into the kitchen.

"Hi Abby," Kim Lagaspi said, "Did you call Dr. Bailey?"

"Yes I did. I have processed all my feelings of fear, grief and anger in an emotionally safe environment," Abby said, while pouring herself a glass of juice.

"That line sounds just a little too rehearsed," Kim said patiently. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Abby said, the words she had been trying to say with conviction all day came tumbling out of her mouth.

"Abby, that wasn't a social 'how are you.' I really want to know how you are."

Abby set the glass down and flopped onto the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest, "I don't know, Dr. Lagaspi. Some of the things I though would bother me didn't. I was able to walk around in the ambulance bay without any problem and the hospital itself didn't bother me. But some tones of voice set me on edge, and I wasn't able to suture. The smell of hamburgers makes me nauseated. I can still smoke, though. Even though one of them gave me a cigarette when I asked for it."

"You have been smoking as a reaction to stress for much of your life," Kim said, remembering the conversation she and Abby had had in one of the family sessions while Kim was treating Maggie. "You can't expect that you will give up that way of coping. Did you remember to tell Dr. Bailey about your history with alcohol? How are you doing with that?"

Abby couldn't help but smile at the delicate way Dr. Lagaspi had phrased her question. "Yes I did tell her, and yes, I've had a few cravings, "Abby said honestly. "But I promised not to 'use alcohol' to try to forget. I know it won't work, and I don't need that problem on top of everything else. I did kick my roommate out, though."

Kim wasn't sure how drinking and Abby kicking her roommate out were related, or even if they were but since Abby was taking fairly freely, she wanted to encourage that. She knew it wasn't easy for someone as guarded as Abby to open up in the best of times, and this was far from the best of times. "So why did you ask your roommate to move?"

Abby got up and started pacing around the living room. "I'm not sure, I'm just tired of everybody watching me ever minute, waiting for me to crack. I want to be able to just move around my own home and not have to worry about putting on a front for someone."

"Nobody is expecting you to put up a front, in fact you shouldn't put up a front. If you are hiding how you are feeling, you aren't going to heal," Kim said. "I know you don't like calling attention to yourself, but if you want to cry, then cry. Throw something if you want to. And if someone is there to see you do it, well, too bad."

Abby shook a cigarette out of her pack and lit it as she contemplated Dr. Lagaspi's words. "I don't think I feel like crying or throwing things. I just want my life back the way it was. I don't understand why this whole thing is affecting me so much anyway. Its not like I actually got hurt. I've seen much worse things happen to other people."

"You may not have gotten injured, but you were hurt," Kim said. "Your spirit is as bruised as your body could have been. And don't compare your trauma to someone else's. This happened to you and your feelings are valid.

"I know," Abby sighed. "Dr. Bailey told me the same thing."

"When do you see her next?" Kim asked. "You are still going, right?"

"I'll see her tomorrow, even though I just saw her this morning. She wanted to see me as soon as possible after my first shift back," Abby said, settling back down on the couch. Hearing her phone beep, she said "I need to go, the call waiting just went off. Its probably Carter or Luka. Or maybe Susan or Kerry. One of them, or sometimes all of them, call every day."

"They call because they care, Abby," Kim said, softly. "Let them care about you. Don't shut them out."

Abby let a reluctant smile cross her lips, that was the trouble taking with a shrink, they could always figure you out. "I'll do my best," she said.

"That's all anyone can ask," Kim said. "I'll talk to you in a few days."

"Bye, Dr Lagaspi," Abby said, then clicking the flash button, she took the other call, determined not to shut out whoever it was. It was Carter on the line.


	5. Late one Night

Author's Note: Sorry its taken me so long to post this chapter, but my sister had her first baby, so I was out of State for a while. Hope the wait was worth it.

A noise brought Abby out of her sleep, not that she shad been soundly asleep anyway. In the two weeks since Neela moved out her sleep had gotten worse instead of better. She could feel her heart racing as she lay in the semi darkness, the bathroom light illuminating the slight shaking of her hands. After tossing and turning for what seemed like forever, she got up and wandered into the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water. As the water slid down her throat Abby realized how much she was craving alcohol again. She looked at the clock; 3 A.M. was not the time she wanted to try to find a meeting. Not that there wouldn't be one available but it would mean going out into the dark Chicago night, something she was no longer comfortable doing. Pulling a quilt around her she sat on the couch, her cordless phone within her reach. She though about calling Dr. Lagaspi or Dr. Bailey but she hated to disturb them so late. Besides, she didn't want to admit to either of them how bad the cravings were getting. They would think she was weak. But as another half hour passed and the cravings were getting stronger Abby realized she had to do something. Picking up the phone once more she dialed a familiar number.

"Hello," a sleep voice answered.

"Carter," she said. Hesitating for a moment she then blurted out, "I feel like I need a drink."

"Hold tight, Abby, " he said, frowning as Wendell got out of the bed at the mention of Abby's name. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I'm sorry, Carter," Abby said, "I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll be okay."

"It's no bother," Carter said, as he pulled his pants on, noticing that Wendell was also getting dressed. "I know you'll be fine till I get there, but call me on my cell if you need to."

"I don't have anything in the house," Abby said, softly. "So drive safe."

"I'll be there soon," Carter said as he hung up. "What?" he asked Wendell as he saw her glaring at him. "Abby needs my help. She's my friend."

"She's not your friend, she's your ex-girlfriend. And you don't understand why your jumping out of bed when she cocks her little finger makes me mad?" Wendell said, putting on her shoes.

"You have no idea how hard it is for Abby to ask for help," Carter said, as he grabbed his jacket and jeep keys. "I haven't been the best friend lately, so I am not going to fail her when she calls."

"Well," Wendell said, her arms crossed over her chest, "If you go now, then we are over. I won't play second fiddle to your ex."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm going to Abby's," Carter said, as he held the front door open.

"Then you made up your mind. Have a good life, John," she said with a sneer in her voice as she stomped off.

Carter didn't even bother to watch her leave as he got in the Jeep, and soon he was heading for Abby's. He should feel bad that Wendell dumped him, but in reality he was relieved. She had been a nice distraction, but it was time for him to get his life back on track. But he would think about that later, right now he needed to get Abby through her crisis.

Abby jumped as she heard the soft knock. She took a deep breath, trying to slow her heart rate before answering the door. She hated this feeling of jumpiness, and it wasn't getting better with time. Hand on the doorknob, she asked "Who is it?"

"Abby, its me," Carter said, hearing the slight panic in her voice. "Let me in."

Abby opened the door, fighting to keep from flinging herself into Carter's arms. Carter, however, had no such hesitation. He pulled her into a tight embrace, kicking the door shut with his foot. "Hey there, its okay," he said softly, his hand rubbing small circles on her back. He continued to hold her until her tense body began to relax just a bit, and her arms snaked around his waist. "Come on, lets sit down, then you can take your time and tell me what's going on," he said, after a few minutes. Carter led Abby over the couch, wrapping the quilt he found there around her shoulders as she wiggled herself into the corner. He sat down next to her, close enough for her to feel secure, but not so close to intrude on her personal space. He noticed how tired she looked, the dark circles under her eye and wondered how many nights before this one she hadn't been able to sleep.

As she played with the edge of the quilt, Abby could feel his eyes on her. She knew she needed to tell him something since she had hauled him out of his bed in the middle of the night, but she had no idea where to start. She sighed, then looked at him. She didn't see pity, but just true concern in his eyes. That made it a little easier for her to talk. "I've been seeing someone for the PTSD, and talking to Dr Lagaspi on the phone, but I don't feel like I'm doing any better. I've been okay at the hospital, but not at home. Its been worse since Neela moved out. I don't sleep well, and I've been having the cravings more and more. If it wasn't that I would have had to go out in the dark, I'm pretty sure I would have given in tonight."

Carter reached out to cradle her hand, he could see how much the admission had drained her and he wanted to give her what comfort he could. "I understand the wanting something, anything to help you to sleep. But you and I both know in the end, chemically induced sleep won't do you any good. It might feel like it is at first, but in a few days or weeks you would be worse off than you are now. You are making progress, you are dealing with what happened to you in a healthy way. And you asked for help when you knew you needed it. What you need most right now is some sleep. How about I stay here with you so you can try to relax?"

Abby wanted to refuse, to say she could handle it herself, but she knew better. "Thank you," she simply said. She watched Carter stretch out on her couch then hold his arms out open to her. As she settled into his embrace, pulling the quilt over them, she tried to let go of all the chaos in her mind and find comfort in the steady heartbeat under her ear. Before she knew it, she had drifted off into a deep sleep.


End file.
